Ugh! Time to Get OUT of a Relationship
Relationships are based on relating. Sometimes we do this from a strong place and healthy perspective and the relating goes smoothly and feels supportive. Other times the relating is more like combat and a battle where someone is going to win. In winning there is often losing.
How do you know if the relationship is worth all the work and in the end if it is a healthy relationship? When is it time to get out and move forward?
Relationships can supply us with a healthy sense of who we are and can help to regulate us in an emotional way which brings our nervous systems back into a stable place. Contrarily relationships can also disregulate us and put us on edge and create havoc in our bodies, minds, and spirits. It’s true that the work of a lifetime is our own work but to find another soul that we can entrust with our deepest secrets, feelings, thoughts, ideas and ambitions is a very dynamic way to create a sound sense of being grounds and brings a fullness to life.
Conflict in relationships is normal and healthy. Many families do not allow the members to feel a full range of emotions and often emotions are shamed into submission. This creates a narrow window of emotional access to yourself and others. To be able to respect each another's point of view and to find emotional safety in discussion and to have your boundaries respected are some key points to observe when you are considering your situation. Having conflict in and of itself is not the problem, how you solve the issues is either problematic or you have clear resolution skills and both parties feel understood and are left in tack without feeling resentful for being squashed or like they had to overpower their partner to get away or win.
Learning better skills, communication styles, and negotiation are all top qualities in a healthy relationship. If you have a workable partner then it is much smoother to navigate the field of relationships.
When is it time to call the relationship and as painful as it is to end it to move forward? I would suggest that if there is abuse in the relationship that you need to get professional help and work through the issues with help. You may need to end it immediately or get professional help to assist you with boundaries and in creating a resolution with the other party in a way that keeps you and children or dependents safe. Any relationship that has abuse in it needs a pattern interruption. Only with professional intervention are abusive relationships usually ever salvageable statistically speaking. The abuse patterns, physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, financial are often too rooted in the relationship to be resolved without intervention. If there is no work ability or progress then ending it is probably the best way forward. Please seek help and meet with someone who understands the abuse dynamic.
I had a tall boyfriend who had a short temper. He would get angry very quickly and make quick assumptions from his own suspicions. He pushed me twice one night--hard. I knew right then that this type of behavior only escalates. I offered to get help for our relationship. He hedged about the topic and never committed. I finally ended the relationship because I knew that behaviors get worse over time and having come from a background in domestic violence I decided to short circuit this experience and I got myself support to fine tune my own perception so I wouldn’t attract that type of energy ever again.
If you are not safe. Get out.
If the relationship is to be saved then both parties will be doing a lot of work. Keep out until you have a professional opinion about getting back in.
Core values are another topic for a healthy relationship. If you value honesty don’t be with a person who steals. If you value monogamy don’t be with someone who cheats. If you value paying your bills on time be with a partner who respects this as well and holds a job! If you value your health, stay away from drug addicts. Do the math. What adds up for you.
If you find yourself in an unhealthy relationship then what part of that person reminds you of a past part of your life that was your ‘normal’ when being treated less than was just the way life was? Get out if your partner is the same unhealthy pattern as your past which was toxic.
Drama. I love to hear people say, “I don’t do drama!” They are usually the people who are drama! People who don’t do drama don’t have their attention on it and they don’t have to talk about it. What is your target in life? I want a calm, loving, productive mate. When I dated men (I’m heterosexual) who did’t line up with my target I got good at getting out quickly. No need to stay and ‘fix’ them. They can be who they are and it is simple. Those qualities don’t line up with me.
Guidelines for staying (if you don’t have this maybe it’s time to leave):
Trust is strong and the relationship is supportive. You can be yourself.
You are friends and actually like each other. Chemistry is important of course but love is not the only factor. Do you like your partner as a person?
You respect each other. Your feelings, things, space, beliefs are guarded by your partner and not exploited.
You feel safe. This is so important. Either build a safe, healthy relationship or heal yourself and find the person you do feel safe with.
You share core values. Different belief systems can bring a great deal of confusion and hurt.
You are valued not owned. You both want to be together and spend time together and time apart is fine too. You don’t have a come here go away style. Those don’t last.
You feel that your person gets you and does not form alliances against you with others. You person defends you and wants to look out for you and when they are honest they express so they don’t hurt your feelings.
You can be different from each other and have different points of view.
They own their own shit and you own yours. No gaslighting.
No abuse. There is no harm in love. There is no space in your life for an abuser. Abusers never ‘mean’ it. They act out and excuse it and try to spread the manure around. One biker I knew used to say after his terrible bouts of temper tantrums, “When it gets this bad it’s everyone's fault.” Really, how does that work in your world? When you are acting badly it’s your problem. Don’t let anyone mess with your mind. Stay true to yourself.
Leaving a relationship is usually a very painful experience and you might always still love the person you could not continue to be with, but in the end, love yourself more and that will give you the boundaries, insight, value for who you are, and role modeling for the next generation. The world is full of people. Trust that the right one is out there for you and maybe if you have the courage to let go it will clear the space for the right one who is a better match to show up.
Getting out or being left hurts. Affirm to yourself, “I am a strong, beautiful being of light and I heal quickly and attract the best match for myself.”
I’ll do another post of being left as that too is a wall of pain and needs to be addressed. Please send me topics you wish to know more about and I’ll create content for your specific topic!
Blessings,
Rainbow
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