Attached by the Heart

We all have a style of attachment in relationships according to attachment theory. How we love others and how we want or need to be loved. What level of comfort or anxiety we feel in a relationship. Childhood experiences and conditioning create our perspective on relationships and how we then believe relationships work. If you had chaos in your childhood or even just a few moments of deep insecurity you have an influencer that might create a mode for future relationships. If we gain understanding of our attachment style it can help us create better relationship interactions and heal parts of ourselves that may need to become more secure and stable in our experience with other people.

Here is a brief overview of the theory. Can you find yourself in one of these attachment styles?

Anxious attachment styles tend to feel uncertain in relationships and need reassurance. They need contact and communication to feel connection. Plan on texting, calling, and spending time with an anxious attachment style and remember they didn’t choose their style so being a little clinging isn’t what they picked out for themselves. Anxious attachment styles are often hard on themselves and easier on others. They worry about the relationship ending and they are always in fear of being left. This can be healed and anyone can ‘earn’ a more secure style but it takes effort and self awareness.

Avoidant attachment styles are much more independent and value their ‘freedom’. They have thicker walls and find getting close to others uncomfortable especially as the relationship deepens. Relationships can feel suffocating and they need breaks and space to recharge and find they value time alone. They feel pretty good about the way they do things but can be critical of others and they tend to attract anxious partners and the relationship is often one running away and one chasing. It is taxing on both partners. It is a toxic cycle often but again anyone can earn a secure style with work and information.

Fearful attachment styles feel a true defect within and believe no one could really love them. They will build walls and sabotage relationships and then cause confusion by trying to get close again. Mixed messages and often it comes with more abuse and less love. They are disorganized and reactive. Negative about themselves and they are often hard on others as well. Everyone is wrong in their world.

Secure attachment styles actually work well with other attachment styles and they will have boundaries and not tolerate abuse. They feel generally pretty positive about relationships, who they are and they give others the benefit of the doubt. They enjoy emotional closeness and they are fine with some distance too. They trust. They believe relationships are supportive. We can all earn our way into this healthy state and change our attachment style and work towards a more healthy version of connection in relationships. Know yourself and be patient. In the end if you are with the right person you will have someone who can help you and you too can be supportive and create a healthy, positive attachment!

Blessings,

Rainbow

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