Addicted to a Person
Relationship addiction is common. We are social creatures. We need the connection to others and we are healthier as a species when we have those ties. The key is when you are willing to pay a high price to be in a relationship that is not healthy for you and that is not giving you the natural fulfillment that is meant to be created in a healthy relationship. When you stay in a relationship that is not changing and your partner refuses help or even with help it isn’t improving then you might be addicted to the relationship.
Healthy relationships or unhealthy relationships all influence our biology. A good relationship helps to emotionally regulate your physiology and an unhealthy one will be dysregulating. This means simply that a good relationship supports your body and your brain is able to function properly but an unhealthy relationship will tax your body and mind and can even cause illness due to stress. The brain/body chemical charge put out by addictive relationships is addictive.
Relationships bond us through our body chemicals. We flow dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin which bond us to our partners. They work much like cocaine on the body. In a positive relationship it helps couples stay together long term. In an addictive relationship they make it hard to leave.
We choose to stay in unhealthy relationships because they somehow mimic our ‘normal’. What you saw growing up or how you interpreted what you watched in adult relationships. What role you assumed and how you began to believe about quality of relationships and how they function. This is a general overview, but you get the idea. If your culture taught you to not speak up or to have an opinion then you will most likely continue in those behaviors until you become self aware. Add dysfunctional conditioning to the chemical response and you create unhealthy bonds.
Addiction in relationships is a chemical response. The drama in disturbing relationships is still a bonding from the wound of the soul and not based in love. Falling in love is also a bonding chemical reaction but love is based on a positive connection and attachment wounds are based on dynamics. We can’t so simply separate them out either as most relationships are a mix but healthy ones are more heavily focused on caring, concern, respect, positive interactions, and support. Unhealthy relationships carry a high price and they are stimulating to the person like a drug and even with a break up there is a withdrawal to deal with which is very difficult much like drug withdrawal.
Addiction in relationships can be seen in mood changes, health implications, confusion, walking on eggshells type of feelings, fear of upsetting the partner, unable to speak up, punishing and withholding in the relationship, drama, come here-go away dynamics. Constant threats to the relationship (partner who often breaks up and then wants to get back together), unpredictability, disfunction in other areas of life (troubles at work, financial, interpersonal relationships, lack of social connections, health issues, other addictions, emotional extremes especially anger, crashing down emotionally to self loathing, in extremes threats of suicide). Unhealthy relationships are often based in control. The message is you do what I want or else. Because of conditioning and attachment styles, and other deep seeded, complex reasons including the addictive tendencies of relationships people stay.
Many people do not want to deal with the issues because they know somewhere inside that if they are honest with themselves then they will need to take action steps. Most people fear loss and have strong attachments so doing nothing or continuing the patterns are very common. The first step to recovery is to be honest with yourself! Being honest does not mean you have to leave but it will help you assess. I am all for relationships being saved if possible.
Ask yourself a few questions and journal out the answer both when you are upset and when you are not. See if they match or if you are more highly reactive when triggered which is probably the case.
What isn’t working for you? Why? Write it down and gain clarity on yourself. Next, ask a deep question. Why am I allowing this in my life? Don’t judge yourself for the answer. You will have reasons why but usually there are aspects hidden from yourself. Get to know yourself and discern some deeper insight and it will help you to find your way to a new place where you can make quality decisions for your life. Get help from me or someone who can take you into the questions more fully. Seek professional help if you are in a situation in need of therapeutic intervention.
Please seek help if you are in an unsafe relationship and remember SAFETY FIRST. If you are in great distress please seek professional help and make progress towards a healthier version of your life.
Ask a few good questions and remember your beliefs can change and in the process so can your life. You deserve a safe, quality relationship where you feel understood, respected, and loved. If you are experiencing anything less than this a whole new world awaits you as you do your healing. Healing must begin inside of yourself. From there the world will renew and as you grow so will your standards.
Addiction is treatable. Here’s to your new life and the best version of love yet to come!
Blessings,
Rainbow
©2020RainbowAbeggAllRightsReserved
Added resources:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
Confidential calls
1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kw6wsnFhBT0djW3N0GByAldfw9T06PF_nFaQhfOSK3o/edit
Studies to read:
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