Staying in Love for a Lifetime
People are connectors including dysfunctional souls who dub themselves as recluses. There is usually still a way even isolated people try to connect. Pets give connection, favorite shows where we develop an interest in the characters, and for some going to the grocery store is a way to be around others and not feel so alone. People are wired to be with each other.
Oftentimes it is puzzling that so many people who begin their love story find it fizzles out and it can’t be maintained. What is the key to staying in love. We know that falling is love is a complex event and that our body produces chemicals to encourage the experience. Staying in love is also complex and perhaps it can be hacked into it and some directions can be given for a successful, long-term love that can even grow deeper with the years.
Love is a choice and one that must be made every day. Love will have a greater chance of lasting if you have done the work on yourself so you have healed your own wounds and so that you have knowledge about yourself and what you are actually wanting with another person. For optimum success fall in love with yourself first and know what you are about. Once you know that and what you desire with another person then you can begin to attract a potential mate.
You certainly don’t have to have all of your own issues resolved but self awareness and knowing where you stumble with help set yourself up for success. Compatibility helps to create a solid base for a relationship as well. Things in common. Do you both enjoy healthy eating, do you value proper money management, are you physically active, religious preferences or more spiritually based or no belief at all in a Higher Intelligence, do you enjoy talking on the phone and staying in touch, and many other aspects of who you are and what you bring to a relationship. Know what you want and ask for it. If the other person isn’t on board say bon voyage and let them go find their match. If you meet your match and you have basic values together this will help the longevity potential.
Know what your deal breakers are too. Do you want monogamy in a relationship? Are illegal drugs unacceptable, Porn addiction, or any addiction including things such as religious beliefs, time with friends or sports. Know what doesn’t work for you. Once you have down these three aspects you are setting yourself up for success.
Do your own internal work and know your own issues. Be self aware so you do not blame your partner.
Know what you want in a relationship and look for compatibility. You don’t need everything the same but a strong foundation is worthy to build on.
Know that are your deal breakers. Addictions, unemployment, lack of sexual interest or if you do not share the same values. Know what you will walk away from before you bond with someone who can’t fulfill you as you desire.
Staying in love is a daily conscious act. It is going beyond yourself and your own desire to help another to be filled and to grow. What are your daily rituals that help you feel close and to support each other? Discuss it and find out what are the daily ‘supplements’ that your sweetie needs. Science has shown that Oxycontin is the bonding chemical. We feel connected to someone through this as we touch each other, kiss, and have sex. Your partner hopefully can share what they need to feel close to you. A text throughout the day, a phone call, a kiss hello and sometimes it might be a little space to recharge before coming close in the relationship.
Talk about it and remember those needs may change. Sit down once a week and review how things are going and if the needs have changed. Look at your beliefs about relationships and do you believe that long standing relationships lose their chemistry? It doesn’t need to be that way and by touching base issues and needs are addressed.
Tactics for a strong relationship require some planning. Read the book the 5 Love Languages and gain understanding for how your partner interprets love. Read the book Attached and gain understanding on you and your partner and how you both form attachments in relationships. Relationships will rupture but skilled people also know how to resolve and restore. It’s a skill and a level of maturity. Learn tactics for restoring the relationship back to its loving feeling.
Truth stands and ultimately being in truth and unselfishly supporting your person and growing your love can take a lifetime and love can last a lifetime.
Beware of John Gottman’s the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that destroy relationships.
Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. These are the predictors of divorce. Relationships that last happily take skill. Skill building takes time and investment. No one is perfect so find someone that is perfect for you who is willing to invest in the process of growth together.
Deal Makers:
1.Touch- touching your partner increases the bonding chemical. Touch often and embrace in long hugs.
2. Talk- sit down and talk and discuss your feelings. Learn solid communication skills and avoid the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Share what is going right and express gratitude.
3. Tactics- make your relationship an investment. Give it time and attention and educate yourself on relationships! Learn how to restore your relationship after a rupture. Healing and re-connection keeps relationships together.
4. Love to your deepest capacity and let it stretch you like a healthy yoga pose. Never accept abuse but do realize that relationships will challenge you and that it is a choice to master yourself, your partner, and the relationship.
Blessings,
Rainbow
